I think by now, with my many blog entries on polygamy, i can make a THESIS out of it. A recent "case" of polygamy which i heard of is that this guy's 2nd wife was from the SAME OFFICE as his first wife. But it seems the 1st wife knew of the 2nd wife's existence. Seriously, from the SAME OFFICE??? If i was the 1st wife, that would be like a slap to my face. That's like your husband marrying your best friend or whatever. I'm not sure whether the 2 wives were close co workers. Anyway, hearing this scenario of polygamy, it made me analysed the whole concept of polygamy.
If you were the 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife, wouldn't you be considered as a HUSBAND STEALER? I know that may sound harsh but isn't that a FACT? You KNEW the guy was married but you continued the relationship anyway. This of course doesn't apply to women who DIDN'T know the guy was married until she was married to him. I'm talking about women who KNEW the guy was married.
Some of the DEFENCES which the subsequent wife might bring up is that the first wife was EVIL and doesn't make the husband happy. Then why didn't the husband have any balls to divorce the wife if she was so horrid? Of course the excuse would be "the marriage need to be maintained for the sake of the children".
There are no issues if the first wife gives her consent to the subsequent marriages. Some women are simply too happy to share i guess. What kind of a woman is this? But i believe such kind do exist since i do know some girls who insist on keeping her bf despite knowing the fact he's sleeping around with other girls.
Another thing about polygamy is that why don't the guy just have more than 1 gf before he gets married. Eventually he can marry the rest of his gfs.
Can you be angry at a MARRIED MAN who flirts around with other women? He's entitled to polygamy anyway. Perhaps that's why married men don't feel the slightest guilt when they flirt around with other women because he knows he has "3 other wives vacancy" to be filled.
Women who believe their place is as a wife. Not as an individual. If she did believe her happiness would matter, she won't let anyone else have her man.
ReplyDeleteNow, why does a married men can marry "2, 3 or 4"? The best part was, the number stops there. haha.But in my answer, its the because he can give the sperm and a female can only have one sperm at a time (However, it was medically proven that you can have different biological twins in a mother's womb. It was proven when the mother gave birth to both, BLACK AND WHITE BABIES). Also, we're horrible men who have the tendency to grow bored. Rather than cheat, you either divorce the woman or find another wife.
What do you think?
And what's wrong with those women??? who only think her job is to be a wife and do everything for her husband? Is it patience or stupidity?
ReplyDeleteHmmm if there is no technology, the reason why women can't have many husbands because she wouldn't know who's the father of her baby? What happens if she sleeps with 4 white men in 1 month and then have a baby but there's no DNA testing?
But if she just sleeps with 1 men, then she will know who's the father of the child.
Then again, this is a modern world now filled with all kinds of technologies. You will definitely know who's the father of ur baby once u r a few weeks pregnant. Bless modern science!
Men get bored? women don't get bored? Sometimes we just need to live with boredom.
Totally agree with u that he should divorce the woman. and if he intends to find another wife, then tell the wife or divorce her first.
I have so many aunties who simply just live with the fact that the husband polygamy behind their back. It's like a great BETRAYAL. I swear if i ever get married, i will warn my husband bout polygaming behind my back.
Haha. I like this warning.
ReplyDelete"If you find another one, I'll chop of your dick." :P
I think its more to acceptance. They just want to accept something that they have no power off. Sure, men can marry more than 1, and women can't. So she accepts that.
ReplyDeleteSome can accept because they may not have the capability of giving birth. It happens. besides, you can;t do IVF on another womb. That's haram for us.
No no. Because only one man can till the soil of one woman. One man at a time. that's how the system works. But like my previous example, it can be proven otherwise.
Both of us will get bored. Its just a matter of how you define bored later. besides, you signed up for the marriage, you're bound to be bored. Once you understand that, then its a given.
heheh u read my mind... i was think of Bobbit...
ReplyDeleteSHE'S BRUTAL!!! But then again, for raping someone, i think its fine.
ReplyDeleteHello Eleena,
ReplyDeleteYour blog is interesting me from the moment that I read it. My name is Pieter Schultz, come from Holland and I’m writing an article on polygamy in Malaysia. I’m religious researcher (I’ve studied religious studies at the University of Utrecht) and interesting in non-monogamy.
May I ask you some questions?
We agree about the fact that it’s important that if a man wants a second wife that he asks his wife for permission. But when he takes a second wifes without informing his first wife than in fact he cheats his first wife, yes, a betrayal. I see no difference between adultery and a betrayal. It’s in a marrige important to be honest and respectful. We’ve to learn that. In Malaysia, but also in Holland and the rest of the world!
I discover in your blog on polygyny a feeling of ‘disgust’. You talk about ‘a husband stealer’ and ‘what for wife is this who gives consent’. In one of your comments you advise the man to say it to his first wife when he wants a second wife.
I’m not against polygamy or polygyny. But it’s important that all the spouses fully agree with it, that there is committment.
My questions to you:
Do you see polygamy or polygyny with consent as a ‘betrayal’ to the first wife? When that is the case, why? Because
- you’re monogamous
- you doen’t believe that it’s possible
- your education
- of you’re experiences (you talk about your ‘aunties’…)
- of generation conflict or gap
- the most people in Malaysia doesn’t support that (old) practice
- of the ban on plygamy in the Western society (that is not really true…; you see in Western society an other, new kind of polygamy, namely polyamory)
With friendly regards,
Pieter Schultz
hi Peter :-)..
ReplyDeleteFirstly, thanks for your comment. In regards to your question, no doubt that polygamy with CONSENT can be seen as a BETRAYAL to ur first wife. The moment you tell your spouse you have the urge to be with another person, that's a betrayal.
You aren't suppose to have feelings for another person if you are currently in a relationship with another.
Im not one of those Muslim women who can accept polygamy mainly because i'm not the kind of woman who wants to share her man with other women and maybe perhaps im egoistic. Then again, why should i be with just one man while he can be with 3 other women? My question is simply this : WHY DO YOU NEED 1,2 OR 3 OTHER WOMEN? WHY??
If a husband informs his 1st wife he plans to marry another (i think he's not really asking her for permission, more to like just informing her so that she won't be shock if she finds out bout it), it's just an indication that he's being COURTEOUS. A courteous betrayer.
All the best in your article :-)
Hi Eleena,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your clear response! Monogamy and polygamy are difficult subjects. May I ask you again some questions, so that I get a better understanding of you.
For you marriage is only for two persons, because it’s a betrayal when – in the case of Malaysia – a husband takes a second wife without or with consent from his first wife. But have that more to do with the fact that Malaysians married monogamous? The husband and his wife promise fidelity or loyality to eachother. But later the husband can fall in love with an other wife… Not always that he don’t love his first wife anymore or beacause of boredom… But also the wife can fall in love with an other man… These examples demontrate simply that not everybody is monogamous…
Polyamory – see the English Wikipedia - is different from polygyny. It’s always based on consent and fully equality (both partners, the man and the woman, give eachother the space or the freedom to start a relationship with someone else).
My questions to you:
- Even when you’re monogamous (that is not egoistic!), can you accept people who make an other choice? Or have everybody in the world to see marriage like you’re seeing it? And when you think that - marriage have to be always monogamous -, what for reason you’ve to think this? Because the Koran and the Bible are teaching that? Please, say it to me, I’m curious.
- When you marry in Malaysia, asks the ‘marriage official’ to the man if he wants a monogamous or a polygamous marriage (like they do in the West-African country Cameroon)?
- In which way Malaysian people generally talk about polygamy (family, friends, society, media)?
With friendly greetings,
Pieter Schultz
hey :-)...
ReplyDeleteIf people actually followed the PROPER WAY OF POLYGAMY (like Prophet Muhammad), the term polyamory wouldn't exist really because to begin with, when a man chose to polygamy, he SHOULD INFORM HIS WIFE. Prophet Muhammad did that. But Muslim men nowadays don't do it.
Just because you ask consent doing something which another may not like, it doesn't make it morally right. Honestly, i hate the concept of polyamaory. Marriage is not easy, that's why you need to WORK HARD to make it work. You need to have everything balanced out. If you have a great sex life, why do u need to find another partner? Swans practice monogamous relationship. So why cant we do the same?
In regards to ur questions :
1. Marriage should be monogamous because COMMON SENSE tells you that it should be. Without technology, if a woman sleeps around n get pregnant, she wouldn't know who's the father of the baby. Plus it's to avoid sexual transmitted disease.
2. i dont really understand this question but i will try to answer according to my understanding. Man want to have a wife but at the same time he wants to sleep around with other women without commitment. One commitment is expensive enough. Non religious men wouldn't want polygamy because it's expensive to have 2,3,4 wives. Might as well you just get married to one and have mistresses who u only occasionally need? Religious men on the other hand polygamy because it makes the sex legal and non sinful.
3. lol, truth to be told Malaysians are ignorant about polygamy, Muslims women get married thinking that their husband will never polygamy. Media hardly touch on this topic. And do u know those who actually polygamy OPENLY (informs his wife that he's marrying another) are those who are not that financially well off?